The Writer's Curse
As a writer, one of the things we love to do is show the world how broad our vocabulary is and how creative our metaphors are. But sometimes we go a bit baroque, making our writing formidable to skim.
Maybe that subheading was a bit exorbitant, but I think it substantiates my point.
I’ll stop now. I covenant.
This is getting silly, so I’ll cut to the point.
The Thesaurus isn’t your friend!
… unless you know how to use it. So, let’s learn.
It can be tempting, as an author with a fresh draft in need of editing to run through it with a thesaurus at your side and, when you see a passage that is lacking, to sprinkle it with some wordy goodness. Take this passage for example.
Jonathan ran to his car. Something was following him fast – something he couldn’t see. But he could hear it, the steady sound of feet on wet concrete followed him through the night. Followed him as he ran through the alleyway and jumped the low wooden fence.
There’s nothing particularly wrong with that passage. We get the emotions and momentum of the scene and nothing distracts us.
Sure, it could be improved or stylised to fit a particular author’s preference, but as it is it’s a fine passage.
Now imagine you came across this when editing your first draft. The thought a lot of writers have is that they can do better (heck, I’m sure if I didn’t come up with that while writing this post, I’d be able to do a lot better too!).
One way a lot of writers approach this kind of writing is to find synonyms. So, let’s do that. We use “ran” twice and “follow” three times, making these verbs great candidates for a bit of thesaurus grazing.
Thesaurus.com has six definitions for “ran”, two of which are relevant.
To move fast on foot.
To move rapidly, flowingly.
I think most of you will agree that for this exercise we should stick with the first definition (to move fast on foot).
So, let’s look at the synonyms for “ran” (screenshot taken from Thesaurus.com).
Wow, that’s a lot of choice!
But there are some issues here. For one, all of these synonyms are in the present tense, not the past as “ran” is. This is an important thing to note as whichever word you choose will require you change its tense.
Similarly, we can find the synonyms for “follow”. There are four definitions of the word and only one that is relevant to this passage.
To trail, pursue physically.
And these are the synonyms.
This is where the craft comes in!
Now we have a choice of synonyms for our boring words, we can sprinkle them in. So, let’s do that. Let’s ignore the “weak matches” because we’re better than that and stick with the “strong” and “strongest matches”.
And remember, we want to impress our readers, so the more fancy a word sounds the better!
Our passage with strong matches and impressive choices (moved to the correct tense) could now look something like this.
Jonathan flew to his car. Something was catenating him fast – something he couldn’t see. But he could hear it, the steady sound of feet on wet concrete attended him through the night. Shagged him as he absconded through the alleyway and jumped the low wooden fence.
Wow, those are some fancy words… but what do they mean?
Flew: (Verb; to fly) 1. To take to the air, usually employing wings. 2. To run or pass swiftly. 3. To escape, flee.
Catenating: (Verb; to catenate) 1. to link together; form into a connected series.
Attended*: (Verb used with an object; to attend) 1. to be present at. 2. to go with as a concomitant or result; accompany. 3. to take care of; minister to; devote one's services to. (Verb used without an object; to attend) 1. to take care or charge. 2. to apply oneself. 3. to pay attention; listen or watch attentively; direct one's thought; pay heed.
Shagged: (Verb; to shag) 1. to make or become rough or shaggy. 2. chase or catch (fly balls) for practice (in baseball). 3. Informal slang you’ll likely understand if you have watched Austin Powers.
Absconded: (Verb used without object; to abscond) 1. to depart in a sudden and secret manner, especially to avoid capture and legal prosecution.
*There are a lot of definitions for this word, I’ve chosen the top three of each verb usage.
This version of the text may be a bit fancier, but it’s lost its meaning. You can try to fit some of these definitions into the original purpose of the passage to Frankenstein a fancier looking version, but there’s no denying that the earlier version of the text was better.
But why?
It’s better because it’s simpler. Every word is chosen and clear and the emotion, meaning, and mystery of the scene all come across clearly. A reader can understand this scene and continue the story without having to scratch their head over new or incorrect words.
Using a thesaurus well
Don’t be dissuaded! The thesaurus is a great ally, provided you use it well. So, to make it easy, here are some things you can ask yourself when selecting words to improve a passage.
Is the passage clear? If it isn’t, consider rephrasing before you bring out the thesaurus; if it is, ask yourself if the new word has improved clarity. If it hasn’t, it probably shouldn’t be there.
Do I understand this word well? If a word is new to you, consider putting it to the side and keeping an eye out for it in other texts you read. If you don’t understand the word, odds on you’ll miss the nuance of it and muddy your otherwise perfect novel.
Does this synonym match the tone/emotions I want to convey? Sure, barrel, bolt, skedaddle, and run all mean the same thing but they are all expressions of a different aspect of that motion. “Jonathan skedaddled” is a sure-fire way to lessen the tension of a high-stakes chase!
Using these rules, we could use synonyms to make the earlier passage read like this:
Jonathan sprinted to his car. Something was following him fast – something he couldn’t see. But he could hear it, the steady sound of feet on wet concrete followed him through the night. Stalked him as he ran through the alleyway and jumped the low wooden fence.
Personally, I prefer the original, but this version has some nuance to it and none of the synonyms impede the flow or feeling of the scene. My choice would likely be to keep “ran” in the first sentence, but “sprinted” works too (though a shorter word allows a reader’s eyes to pass through quicker, amplifying the pace of the scene). Similarly, I’d have considered “he tore through the alleyway” in the last sentence as it conveys a recklessness and a sense of desperateness.
This is only looking at the two repeated verbs of the passage (“ran” and “followed”) but there are many other words or phrases you could tackle in this way to further improve the scene.
How would you change it? Which synonyms would you choose? Let me know in the comments!